The Fortress Within: When Protecting Yourself Means Losing "Us" - A Journey Towards a Godly Marriage
Thought-Provoking Statement: Could the walls we build for self-protection within our marriage be barriers that keep us from experiencing God's intended intimacy and unity?
Beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, today we turn our hearts to the sacred covenant of marriage, a reflection of Christ's love for the Church (Ephesians 5:25). Yet, even within this holy union, storms can arise—storms of emotional volatility.
What is Volatility and What is a Volatile Marriage?
Frequent and intense emotional swings mark a volatile marriage. Arguments can be common and heated, reactions unpredictable, and the overall atmosphere can feel unstable. Volatility in this context means a tendency to change rapidly and often negatively in emotional states and interactions. It's the opposite of the steadfast love and peace God calls us to embody.
The Inevitable Shift: Building Defenses
When a marriage becomes a battleground of emotions, a natural, albeit damaging, response emerges: self-protection. Feeling vulnerable and hurt, each individual begins to look out primarily for themselves. They enter "defense mode." This might look like withdrawing emotionally, becoming overly critical to preempt criticism, or simply focusing on their own needs to the exclusion of their spouse's.
From a Biblical perspective, this self-centeredness clearly contrasts with the teachings on love and unity. Philippians 2:3-4 urges us: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
Why Defense Mode Cannot Work:
A marriage built on mutual defense cannot thrive because it fundamentally contradicts the giving nature of God's love and His design for marriage. When we are busy protecting ourselves, we cannot truly see, understand, and serve our spouse. The "one flesh" principle (Genesis 2:24) is fractured when individual survival instincts take precedence over relational unity.
The Call to Giving: A Testament of Faith
My own journey and the stories I've witnessed echo this truth. I can honestly testify to a time in my marriage when constant misunderstandings led both my spouse and me to retreat into ourselves. We became more concerned with being "right" or avoiding pain than with understanding each other's hearts. It was a lonely and isolating season of arguments, resentment, bitterness, strife, and anger. We survive through prayer, the help of trusted people that love us, offered and shared Godly counsel, and we had to renew our commitment to Christ's teachings, and intentionally shift our focus from our own needs to the needs of each other so that healing could begin.
This isn't easy. Our worldly nature often defaults to self-preservation. However, as Christians, we are called to a higher standard, empowered by the Holy Spirit. Marriage, in many ways, is a daily opportunity to lay down our selfishness and embrace the sacrificial love exemplified by Christ.
The Sacrifice of Christ
Think of the ultimate example: Jesus Christ. His love for the Church was not about meeting His needs but about His selfless giving, even unto death (Ephesians 5:25). Our marriages are meant to reflect this unconditional love. When we approach our spouse with a giving heart, seeking to understand, serve, and uplift them, we align ourselves with God's design.
Apologetics in Action:
When the world questions the validity and beauty of Christian marriage, our lives should be a testament to its transformative power. A marriage characterized by mutual giving, even amidst challenges, stands as a powerful apologetic for the love of Christ. It demonstrates that a relationship centered on selfless love and sacrifice can indeed flourish.
Ministry and Church Focus:
As a church, we are responsible for supporting and equipping couples to cultivate this giving spirit. Through pre-marital counseling, marriage enrichment programs, and simply being a community that models Christ-like love, we can help marriages navigate the complexities of life and move away from volatile patterns.
Christian Living: A Daily Choice
Choosing to give rather than defend is a daily act of faith. It requires humility, vulnerability, and a reliance on God's grace. It means actively listening, seeking to understand before being understood, and extending forgiveness freely.
Encouragement:
If your marriage feels volatile, take heart. God is a God of restoration. It's never too late to shift the dynamic from defense to giving. This journey begins with prayer, a willingness to examine our own hearts, and a commitment to loving our spouse as Christ loves us.
Call to Action:
Today, I encourage you to consider the atmosphere of your marriage prayerfully. Are there areas where defensiveness has crept in? Commit to taking one step this week towards a more giving posture. Perhaps it's actively listening without interrupting, offering a word of affirmation, or performing a small act of service. By God's grace, let us build marriages that reflect His selfless love.
Self-Assessment for Reflection: The Heart of Giving in Your Marriage
Answer these questions honestly to reflect on your current approach within your marriage:
When conflict arises, is your primary focus on being understood or on understanding your spouse? (Understanding / Being Understood)
Do you often find yourself anticipating negative reactions from your spouse? (Yes / No)
In the past week, would you say you initiated more acts of service/kindness towards your spouse than you expected in return? (Yes / No)
How often do you consciously consider your spouse's needs and desires before your own? (Often / Sometimes / Rarely)
Do you find it easier to identify what you feel your spouse is doing wrong, or what you can do to support them better? (Identifying wrongs / Identifying support)
When your spouse shares a vulnerability, is your first instinct to offer a solution or empathy? (Solution / Empathy)
Do you often feel the need to "win" arguments in your marriage? (Yes / No)
How comfortable are you being truly vulnerable with your spouse, even if it means risking hurt? (Very comfortable / Somewhat comfortable / Not comfortable)
Reflection:
If you answered "Being Understood," "Yes" to anticipating negative reactions, "No" to initiating more acts of service, "Rarely" to considering your spouse's needs first, "Identifying wrongs," and "Solution" more often, it might indicate areas where a shift towards a more giving perspective would be more beneficial.
A "yes" to feeling the need to "win" arguments and a "not comfortable" with vulnerability can also signal a more defensive posture.
Remember, this isn't a judgment, but an opportunity for introspection and growth, guided by God's love. Pray about the areas where you feel God is calling you to a more selfless and giving approach in your marriage.
May God bless your journey towards a more Christ-centered and unified marriage.
